I can’t
believe it’s been almost 15 years since I walked into the YWCA for my first one-on-one
counseling session. Just months before
9/11, with a new job near downtown Chicago, I finally had the opportunity and
the courage to explore the darkness that haunted me my entire life.
A few times,
I almost ran out of the YWCA’s waiting area.
I only kept going because I figured if I couldn’t take it anymore, I
could always leave. One time, I remember
seeing photos hanging on the walls of kids playing in a small room. My eyes welled up with tears thinking about
how I could see the fear in their eyes.
Later, it hit me like a slap on the face, and I realized that used to be
me. Next thing I knew, I was crying
silent tears like I did as child overwhelmed with sadness about
my tortured existence and the loss of my innocence.
Facing your
fears sounds easy. Monumental doesn’t
begin to describe it. For an incest
survivor, it’s nothing short of re-living the horrors you endured still feeling
as helpless as you were back then. Depressed,
I cried a lot; sometimes hysterically.
Yet, I could always put on a good front at work laughing and joking
around, so no one ever suspected anything.
It was exhausting.
I remember
coming home turning on the TV and sitting down and not getting up until it was
time for bed. I couldn’t face the
ugliness alone. I only stopped zoning
out with the TV because I thought I was developing hemorrhoids. That’s when I started going out for long walks
which helped calm me down.
What made
the difference? Yes, I would definitely
say a lot of therapy, prayer, and loving friends. However, ultimately, holding onto my faith in
God saved me. Grounded by my strong
faith in God, instilled by my mother, the coping skills I learned in one-on-one
counseling and group therapy sessions transformed me from a suicidal incest
victim to an empowered survivor.
Don’t get me
wrong, it wasn’t easy, and I still argue with God to this day. My stubbornness is a part of who I am. Counseling sessions at the YWCA and God’s endless,
unconditional love saved my life. Like
the lyrics to Whitney Houston’s song, The
Greatest Love of All, say “learning to love yourself is the greatest love
of all.” Last year, finally guilt-free, I
found the greatest love of all inside of me, but I couldn’t have done it
without God’s unconditional love.
