Open the Door of Your Heart and Let God Into Paradise

“God’s paradise is the human heart.”  Reading this quote by St. Alphonsus Liguori, always  melts my heart.  It also reminds me how intensely pure and unconditional God’s love is for me: something I’ve always wanted yet feared my whole life.  In any love relationship, being committed is terrifying because you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  You don’t know what’s going to happen or how much you’ll have to give up of yourself to grow together, so you don’t grow apart.

Then I remember that God’s love is perfect and mine’s not.  Paul talks about God’s ideal love in 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8, “Love is patient, love is kind…It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...Love never fails.”  I’m always moved after reading these words precisely because they speak to my heart.  They remind me that God’s love is always authentic.  He passionately loves me, you, and everyone else like that, and the words “God’s paradise is the human heart,” not only melts my heart but consoles its trepidations.

God gave us an intellect, so I don’t believe God wants us to have blind faith.  Otherwise, I don’t think Jesus would have said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."  (Matthew: 7:7)  All we have to do is open the door of our hearts and let God into our paradise.

Creating Joyful Holiday Memories to Replace the Horrific Ones

My heart goes out to survivors who find the holidays difficult and depressing due to horrific memories of the criminal who assaulted them during this time of the year.  I pray you find a good therapist to help you resurrect your spirit and you learn to enjoy a life that far surpasses your hopes and dreams.  I pray one day you grow strong enough to crush those dark memories and replace them with new memories filled with endless peace and joy.

Meanwhile, I would like to suggest that you to start writing about the good memories you want to have some day.  Write in detail about everything you see, hear, feel, taste, and touch.  If you’re not sure how to begin, I’d like to give you a couple of ideas.  Maybe start off writing about a far away sound or a close one, and let your heart guide you to your holiday paradise.  Where are you?  If you’re indoors, what’s an object in the room you’re curious about?  Pick it up and do something with it.  How much light is in the room, and how does it make you feel?  If you’re outdoors, describe everything you see, hear, feel, touch, and taste.  Describe every detail.

Start focusing on exactly what you want no matter how impossible it may seem to you right now.  Believe it will happen.  Pray for it to come.  Keep your dream alive, and it will keep you alive until it becomes your reality.

You Have the Power You Need to Heal Yourself

As a child, the criminal sexual assaults and rapes I suffered at the hands of my father tormented and tortured me mentally, physically, and spiritually.  He brainwashed me into believing I was solely to blame.  After many years of therapy, I finally know and truly believe that I was NEVER to blame.

More than 10 years ago, when I started having suicidal thoughts, I fought back by holding onto my faith in God and NEVER letting go.  Like I mentioned in a previous blog post, earlier this year, long after I wrote my book (soon to be published), I struggled through the worst depression I ever experienced.  My mind, senses, and spirit constantly wrestled with the bleak darkness, and my only consolation came during prayer.  I felt myself slipping away and disappearing, regressing to my tormented childhood days never to return.

Thank God I met William Rosado, another survivor, who helped me achieve a miraculous breakthrough.  William wisely assessed I had not completely forgiven my deceased father or myself as I told him I already did.  He helped me achieve a miraculous breakthrough on July 7, 2014, my deceased step-sister Mary’s birthday.  Also sexually abused by our biological father, I felt she saved my live and expunged my guilt for not finding her before she passed away.

William reminded me of the power of God’s love while carefully guiding and counseling me through completely forgiving my father and myself.  However, I had to finish the process on my own in private between God and me.  Determined, I had no idea how it would end.  After endless tears and painfully excavating the depths of my soul, I finally achieved absolute forgiveness for my father and me.  Beaten, torn, and tattered, my heart exploded, and my PTSD became history.  Thanks be to God!

After my breakthrough this summer, I saw the Wizard of Oz at Millenium Park with a friend.  Growing up, it gave me the hope I needed.  Now, all grown up, after seeing it I realized that it not only kept me from running away, it also taught me a valuable lesson about my own healing earlier this year.

Below are the lines from the Wizard of Oz that I’m talking about.  When I heard Glinda say the last line, I turned to my friend and said, “Oh, my God, that’s exactly what happened to me this year.  I had to learn on my own like Dorothy that by the grace of God, I’ve always had the power to heal myself.  I just had to learn it for myself.

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda, the Good Witch: You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn’t you tell her before?
Glinda, the Good Witch: Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

What Do You Need to Do to Take Back Your Power?

If you or a loved one has been sexually assaulted, I am so sorry for the senseless suffering you are enduring.   Please know it’s not your fault.  You are a crime victim.  Rape and sexual assault are about power.  Criminals commit crimes because they feel powerless.  To empower themselves, they choose to take away someone else's power.  

It’s devastating.  Because you’re struggling to survive every moment of every day, you don’t even realize they’ve taken away your power on so many different levels.  After you start receiving counseling and healing, you will come to a point where you should start thinking about what you need to do to take back your power.  For me, it was going public and telling everyone I know and meet.  Then, volunteering for sexual violence prevention non-profits.  Eventually, it became writing a screenplay which turned into a book and grew into starting my own book publishing company for trauma survivors which I’m launching soon.

With the guidance of your therapist, it might helpful for you to start thinking about what you need to do to take back your power.  It’s different for everyone.  I recommend consulting a qualified healthcare professional to help you sort out your feelings and goals.  You can do this!  I know you can.  If you delve down into the depths of your soul, you’ll realize that you know you can, too.

How to Practice Self-care and Still Be There for Others

Years ago, one of my counselors at the YWCA told me that survivors of childhood sexual assault usually have difficulties setting boundaries.  She said we’re like a house with all of the windows wide open or all of the windows closed and locked down.   There’s no in between because we were groomed (or I like to say brainwashed) as a child.  The child predators carefully talked to us as they went a little bit farther physically each time.  This made us feel as if it was consensual and therefore our fault. 

Now we know by definition of the law that a child cannot consent to sex, so children are not to blame and don’t have anything to be ashamed about because they were manipulated.  All of the blame and shame belongs to the criminal who assaulted them. 

I still have problems setting boundaries because I tend to put other people’s needs ahead of mine.  Reminding myself to think about what I want first, helps me not lose track of my wishes.  Then, I work on figuring out how I can help the other person while still practicing self-care.  It’s not easy when you don't have a lot of extra time like most of us don't these days, but it works for me most of the time.

Awareness About Your Numbness is Huge!

Wisely, the YWCA always had a focus or theme for our sexual violence group therapy sessions which I think lasted about 8 weeks.  I remember one where we focused on listening to our body.  We explored painful or uncomfortable sensations and learned these feelings were a manifestation of the sexual assaults we suffered.

Mine was a huge, black, jagged rock in my chest which felt like it was shredding my heart.  Yes, talking about it was painful, but continuing to live with it was worse.  That’s why I kept going to my group therapy sessions and one-on-one therapy.  Over time, awareness about this sensation and consistent, one-on-one therapy helped me eventually obliterate it.

During the “listening to our body” group therapy sessions, I also remember another woman there who said she was only experiencing numbness.  Slumping in her chair, she said she just couldn’t feel anything.  One of the counselors said, “That’s great!  You’re awareness about the numbness is huge!!!  The woman’s face lit up.  She smiled the warmest smile I’d ever seen on her, and she sat straight up.

At the time, I didn’t understand the counselor was right.  I thought she was just trying to make her feel included since she was praising everyone else for their insights.  Later, I realized that acknowledging her numbness was huge since awareness is the first step to healing.  Unfortunately, like most sexual violence survivors, we all suffered from Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which mirrors the PTSD war veterans experience.

The National Institutes of Mental Health (NIMH) categorizes numbness as an avoidance symptom for obvious reasons.  Other categories include re-experiencing  and hyperarousal symptoms.  Read more about PTSD symptoms on the NIMH’s website.

Finding Your Wonder of the World

Wonders of the world

They say are seven

All breath-taking,

A slice of heaven,

Yet, they always forget the most

Beautiful

Mystical

Amazing

Wonder of them all.

Miraculous.

Deeper than the ocean,

Infinite, yet mortal, and

Reading this now.

That wonder is you.

Feeling lost?  You can be found.

Don’t keep going round and round,

Afraid of losing and finding you

You are amazing.  Breath-taking

The eighth wonder of the world

You are the slice of heaven that you crave

Stop living with one foot in the grave

I pray you find professional counseling in your community.  Meanwhile, I hope Mariah Carey’s song “Hero” inspires you to follow your healing path.