As a survivor of childhood sexual violence, my faith in God saved my life.  By the grace of God, I held onto my faith when I began having suicidal thoughts.  Today, I am a happy and peaceful person no longer suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Thanks be to God!

During one of the darkest times of my life after the abuse, I was living at the YMCA in the Gold Coast in a room the size of a large, walk-in closet and working as a security guard in a River North condo building.  That’s when I was blessed with the remarkable experience and privilege of writing a book I never wanted to write, A Rape Survivor’s Spiritual Journey: My Poems and Practical Exercises.  Visit my website, listen to a clip of my website theme song, and download a FREE PDF of my book. 

Below is one of the poems in my book.  Please note the poems with italics are God's words, not mine.  I hope it consoles you.  

Return to Live!

You hate me.

That’s okay,

but I still love you just the same.

I know that you’re not you, AND you’re in agony and pain.

I see you suffer and hear you cry.

I wish you’d turn to me,

and see me cry beside you

and hear my gentle plea.

Come back.  Come back.  Come back to me!

Let me hold you in my arms.

I loved you into life.  Please let me love you one more time.

I’m here and love you SO much it makes me cry to see

you struggle all alone and no longer call on me.

Hate me.  Yell and swear at me if that’s exactly how you feel.

Just keep talking.  Don’t shut me out.  I’m not going anywhere.

Go ahead.  Do it.  Right now.  I’m always listening, you know.

Remember, you can hate me, but away I’ll never go.

Return to me.  Return to live

the life I meant for you,

and through your suffering and pain

you will find your life renewed.

Inspired by Ezekiel 18:32.

Listening for Love

Yesterday morning, watching the rising sun at 6:20 am made me feel loved by God.  Smiling, I wondered why.  Then, I imagined the curved rings of sunshine were His outstretched arms reaching out to give me a tight hug, the kind that says more than words ever could and makes you catch your breath.

It’s funny how when I make more time for God, I hear him better, clearer.  UGH!?!?  Why do I need to re-learn this every day?  I think because it’s harder to be living in the world but not being of the world.  We’re infinite spirits wrapped up with mortal bodies at our spiritual core.  We keep forgetting that the essence of our true selves is our spirit and the spiritual world is reality because the material world is illusive and distracting.

The more I trust God, the more I love God.  It’s a love relationship that can’t go wrong unless you screw it up, and even when you do, you know it’s going to be okay.  What I’m suggesting is that you focus on listening for the love.  Like any love relationship, it takes work and time, but you will not be disappointed.

How do you focus on listening?

·       Try spending time writing in a journal (maybe write letters to God in it and the answers you get from Him)

·       Praying which can either be just talking to God like you do anyone else, reciting a structured prayer, or however you prefer communicating with Him.

·       Meditating on a prayer, poem, or artwork that reminds you of God’s love; or

·       Just be present and listen for God like I was doing yesterday morning looking out  my kitchen window before breakfast. 

Say and do whatever feels right for you.  Remember, the more time you spend communicating in a relationship, the more you get know someone.  The more you get to know God, the more you will love Him, and the more you will see and hear the love.

Resurrecting Your Spirit

Today, I am a happy and peaceful person.  Every sexual violence survivor deserves to live a happy and peaceful life.  Maybe you don’t feel like it right now, but you are in control of your life.  You and God, Nature, or whatever you call your higher power, together you can do anything.

How do you begin?  In a word, the answer is “self-care.”  I don’t understand why we routinely neglect our spiritual health because it’s the key to our wellness.  I know it sounds weird, but hear me out.  In a house full of people, have you ever been in a room by yourself with your back to the door when someone walks in without making a noise?  Before you turned around, you knew who was there because you sensed their spirit before you heard or saw them.

Think about your close friends.  The reason they’re your close friends is because your spirits connect in a nurturing way.  Among other things, it might be because they’re kind, loyal, always ready to make you laugh or cheer you up when you’re depressed, and maybe spontaneous (or not if that’s what you prefer).  You and they are the sum of the intangible qualities that make up your spirit and make you the person you are today.

We’ve all heard stories about hostages surviving their grueling captivity by drawing from their faith in God in prayer.  Gloria Polanco, the wife of a senator and former governor, one of 15 Colombian hostages held by rebels (all of whom were rescued), prayed for an hour and a half every day.  Her faith kept her sane. “I spoke to God a lot. I could feel His suffering,” she said. “You could see the difference between those who had faith and those who didn’t. Some prayed a lot, and some said that God didn’t hear them.” 

The point I’m trying to make is that our spirit is the essence of our true self and is where our infinite strength lies.  Since we’re not taking care of the core of our existence, there’s no way we can be healthy, whole and expect to be living balanced lives.  We need to provide nourishment for and nurture our spiritual health like we do our physical and mental health.

When I wrote the poems in my first book, A Rape Survivor’s Spiritual Journey: My Poems and Practical Exercises, I had lost track of all my friends, and the only one I had nearby made a pass at me knowing that I was a survivor of childhood sexual violence.  It was devastating, but I was determined to beat the darkness.  I vowed to deepen my prayer life and read nothing but positive, uplifting books like The Power of Positive Thinking, the bible, and listen to inspiring music.  I was not going down without a fight.

Recently, long after I wrote this book, I struggled through the worst depression I ever experienced.  My mind, senses, and spirit constantly wrestled with the bleak darkness, and my only consolation came during prayer.  I felt myself slipping away and disappearing, regressing to my tormented childhood days never to return.

Thank God I met William Rosado, another survivor, who wisely assessed I had not completely forgiven my deceased father or myself as I told him I already did.  He helped me achieve a miraculous breakthrough on July 7, 2014, my deceased step-sister Mary’s birthday.  Also sexually abused by our biological father, I felt she saved my life and expunged my guilt for not finding her before she passed away.

William reminded me of the power of God’s love while carefully guiding and counseling me through completely forgiving my father and myself.  However, I had to finish the process on my own in private between God and me.  Determined, I had no idea how it would end.  After endless tears and painfully excavating the depths of my soul, I finally achieved absolute forgiveness for my father and me.  Beaten, torn, and tattered, my heart exploded, and my PTSD became history.  Thanks be to God!

I always recommend one-on-one therapy and group therapy if and when you and your therapist decide that it’s time.  However, I also recommend meditation, all forms of prayer, and self-care for your spiritual health as well as your physical and mental health. 

While I wholeheartedly support survivors whether they seek justice in court or not, I believe justice and forgiveness are independently possible.  As a part of their healing process, survivors determine what they need to do to resurrect their spirit.  My mission is serving them on their healing journey.  Let me know how I can help you.