A Rape Survivor's Reflections

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Listening for Love

Yesterday morning, watching the rising sun at 6:20 am made me feel loved by God. Smiling, I wondered why. Then, I imagined the curved rings of sunshine were His outstretched arms reaching out to give me a tight hug, the kind that says more than words ever could and makes you catch your breath.

It’s funny how when I make more time for God, I hear him better, clearer. UGH!?!? Why do I need to re-learn this every day? I think because it’s harder to be living in the world but not being of the world. We’re infinite spirits wrapped up with mortal bodies at our spiritual core. We keep forgetting that the essence of our true selves is our spirit and the spiritual world is reality because the material world is illusive and distracting.

The more I trust God, the more I love God. It’s a love relationship that can’t go wrong unless you screw it up, and even when you do, you know it’s going to be okay. What I’m suggesting is that you focus on listening for the love. Like any love relationship, it takes work and time, but you will not be disappointed.

How do you focus on listening?

· Try spending time writing in a journal (maybe write letters to God in it and the answers you get from Him)

· Praying which can either be just talking to God like you do anyone else, reciting a structured prayer, or however you prefer communicating with Him.

· Meditating on a prayer, poem, or artwork that reminds you of God’s love; or

· Just be present and listen for God like I was doing yesterday morning looking out my kitchen window before breakfast.

Say and do whatever feels right for you. Remember, the more time you spend communicating in a relationship, the more you get know someone. The more you get to know God, the more you will love Him, and the more you will see and hear the love.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Resurrecting Your Spirit

Today, I am a happy and peaceful person. Every sexual violence survivor deserves to live a happy and peaceful life. Maybe you don’t feel like it right now, but you are in control of your life. You and God, Nature, or whatever you call your higher power, together you can do anything.

How do you begin? In a word, the answer is “self-care.” I don’t understand why we routinely neglect our spiritual health because it’s the key to our wellness. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. In a house full of people, have you ever been in a room by yourself with your back to the door when someone walks in without making a noise? Before you turned around, you knew who was there because you sensed their spirit before you heard or saw them.

Think about your close friends. The reason they’re your close friends is because your spirits connect in a nurturing way. Among other things, it might be because they’re kind, loyal, always ready to make you laugh or cheer you up when you’re depressed, and maybe spontaneous (or not if that’s what you prefer). You and they are the sum of the intangible qualities that make up your spirit and make you the person you are today.

We’ve all heard stories about hostages surviving their grueling captivity by drawing from their faith in God in prayer. Gloria Polanco, the wife of a senator and former governor, one of 15 Colombian hostages held by rebels (all of whom were rescued), prayed for an hour and a half every day. Her faith kept her sane. “I spoke to God a lot. I could feel His suffering,” she said. “You could see the difference between those who had faith and those who didn’t. Some prayed a lot, and some said that God didn’t hear them.”

The point I’m trying to make is that our spirit is the essence of our true self and is where our infinite strength lies. Since we’re not taking care of the core of our existence, there’s no way we can be healthy, whole and expect to be living balanced lives. We need to provide nourishment for and nurture our spiritual health like we do our physical and mental health.

When I wrote the poems in my first book, A Rape Survivor’s Spiritual Journey: My Poems and Practical Exercises, I had lost track of all my friends, and the only one I had nearby made a pass at me knowing that I was a survivor of childhood sexual violence. It was devastating, but I was determined to beat the darkness. I vowed to deepen my prayer life and read nothing but positive, uplifting books like The Power of Positive Thinking, the bible, and listen to inspiring music. I was not going down without a fight.

Recently, long after I wrote this book, I struggled through the worst depression I ever experienced. My mind, senses, and spirit constantly wrestled with the bleak darkness, and my only consolation came during prayer. I felt myself slipping away and disappearing, regressing to my tormented childhood days never to return.

Thank God I met William Rosado, another survivor, who wisely assessed I had not completely forgiven my deceased father or myself as I told him I already did. He helped me achieve a miraculous breakthrough on July 7, 2014, my deceased step-sister Mary’s birthday. Also sexually abused by our biological father, I felt she saved my life and expunged my guilt for not finding her before she passed away.

William reminded me of the power of God’s love while carefully guiding and counseling me through completely forgiving my father and myself. However, I had to finish the process on my own in private between God and me. Determined, I had no idea how it would end. After endless tears and painfully excavating the depths of my soul, I finally achieved absolute forgiveness for my father and me. Beaten, torn, and tattered, my heart exploded, and my PTSD became history. Thanks be to God!

I always recommend one-on-one therapy and group therapy if and when you and your therapist decide that it’s time. However, I also recommend meditation, all forms of prayer, and self-care for your spiritual health as well as your physical and mental health.

While I wholeheartedly support survivors whether they seek justice in court or not, I believe justice and forgiveness are independently possible. As a part of their healing process, survivors determine what they need to do to resurrect their spirit. My mission is serving them on their healing journey. Let me know how I can help you.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

I Hope Katy Perry's "By the Grace of God" Reminds You How Much God Loves You This Valentine's Day!

On this Valentine’s Day, I wanted to console survivors who not only didn’t love themselves but were maybe starting to think about giving up. Then, I remembered Katy Perry’s performance this year at the Grammy’s, and I thought the lyrics and video said it all. Written by Katy and Greg Wells, "By the Grace of God" is track #11 on the album Prism. The lyrics are underneath the link to the video below.

Before Katy’s song, President Obama spoke about how artists can encourage domestic violence victims to get help and change their thinking, so they can begin to change their lives. “Artists have a unique power to change minds and attitudes,” the President said.

Then, Brooke Axtell, a domestic violence survivor, took to the stage and performed a spoken-word piece about the abuse she suffered. “Authentic love does not devalue another human being,” Brooke said to the audience. “Authentic love does not silence shame or abuse.”

After Axtell shared her story, Perry, 30, took the stage in front of a white screen wearing an all-white dress with what seemed to be her shadow behind her. Then, as Katy began singing, the audience realized the shadow behind her wasn’t a shadow but dancers performing behind the white screen. It was amazing!

I hope you’re reminded that, like Katy, God’s there for you, too, and loves you more than you can possibly imagine. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Video

Lyrics

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more mourning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Finding God inside the Holy Temple of Your Body

My poem below is also a prayer from my autobiographical poetry book, A Rape Survivor's Spiritual Journey: My Poems and Practical Exercises, which will be released soon. I recommend praying it out loud whenever possible because there's power in the spoken as well as the written word. Say these words knowing that God lives inside the holy temple of your body waiting for you to call on Him.

The Spirit of God lives and breathes with me.

I breathe with the Spirit.
I AM one with the Spirit.
I AM God’s Spirit.

At all times and in all places, the Spirit of God lives and breathes inside me.
I breathe with the Spirit.
I AM one with the Spirit.
I AM God’s Spirit.

The Spirit of God empowers me with the strength to
[insert your greatest challenge here].
I breathe with the Spirit.
I AM one with the Spirit.
I AM God’s Spirit.

Say these words knowing that God lives inside the holy temple of your body waiting for you to call on Him.