How Centering Prayer Helps Me Stay Grounded in the Present Moment

Like I mentioned in an earlier blog about controlling flashbacks, it’s critical for survivors to stay grounded in the present moment.  When I start thinking about the abuse I suffered in the past, I always remind myself that I am safe and in control, so the flashbacks don’t start to control me.  Focusing on taking deep breaths also helps.

Centering Prayer helps me stay grounded in the present moment and develop a deeper relationship with God.  I’ve been practicing it for more than 20 years.  Like any relationship, communication is important which also means learning how to be a better listener.  I am far from perfect about this although I’ve definitely improved over the years. 

You don’t move around like yoga.  You pray either sitting on the floor or in a chair, and you remain sitting wherever you are and focus on your meditation.  Before you start, you need to choose a sacred word.  Your sacred word is the symbol of your intention to allow God’s presence and action in your soul.  It can be love, peace, or your own name for God.  I love the fact that anyone from any faith can practice it!

Once you have your sacred word and you’re seated comfortably, close your eyes and take a few deep breathes to help you relax.  Imagine something like you’re inhaling God’s powerful peace and love.  And, exhaling all the tension and worries in your mind, body and soul.  Visualize God’s powerful, peace and love flowing into your body.  First through your mind and head, down to all your limbs, and then penetrating your soul melting away your anxieties overpowered by God’s awesome peace and love.

When you’re ready, silently introduce your sacred word, be with God, and just listen.  When you become aware of your thoughts, gently return to the sacred word.  Don’t be discouraged.  Be gentle with yourself.  Think of it as if you’re meeting God in a noisy coffee shop like Starbuck’s.  You’re next to a loud table.  There’s nowhere to move, so you’re trying to focus on what he’s telling you.

It’s important not to get upset about all the distractions.  Don’t worry about your thoughts.  You just let them come and go like noisy distractions in Starbuck’s you ignore, and remain focused on your sacred word and your intention and listen.  Then, at the end of your prayer remain in silence with your eyes closed for a couple of minutes.  It’s awkward at first, but you get used to it.

In case you’re interested in finding out more about Centering Prayer, here’s the website:  http://centeringprayer.com/.  What I love about Centering Prayer is that it emphasizes prayer as your personal relationship with God!  

Where's Your Safe Place?

Years ago, when I went to group therapy at the YWCA, the two therapists who conducted the session told us that it was important for them to create a safe place for us.  They wanted all of us to feel that we could be free to talk about our experiences without being judged or feel uncomfortable in any way.  That's why they wanted to set some ground rules.  Actually, they ended up asking us a series of questions, so we could set the ground rules.  For example, they wanted us to decide what we should do if we run into each other outside of the YWCA like at the store, movies, etc.  We decided that we would not speak to each other until after all of the group therapy sessions were over because we all needed to focus on our own healing.

We always had a good group who respected and supported each other.  We would never ask each other questions about the assaults we experienced.  That was one of the rules and something I don't think we would have ever done anyway.  When it was our turn, we would briefly mention our similar feelings and struggles which reassured someone who just shared their feelings that they're normal and not crazy or weird.  Then we would go onto to share our own feelings and obstacles we were facing.

The whole idea about creating a "safe place" seemed a little weird at the time, but after a while it all made sense.  Everyone whether you're a survivor of sexual violence or not needs somewhere you can just be yourself.  However, survivors need a lot of Tender Loving Care (TLC) when it comes to creating a "safe place."  When society, the media, and even some of those we love and trust blame us instead of the criminal who assaulted us, we need and deserve a "safe place" to be ourselves and say whatever we feel.

Growing up, my "safe place" was beside my mother because whenever I was with her, my father would never touch me.  She died when I was 35, and I was devastated.  My "safe place" and my mother were both gone.  I didn't realize until years later why her death left me depressed for an entire year which almost led me to start drinking excessively.  I also didn't tell any family members about my father raping me until years later.  While I made it through the wake with my father present, when my sister called me about an anniversary mass the following year, I started crying and going into convulsions at the thought of seeing him again, so I decided not to go.  My boyfriend at the time, held me for hours as I lay in a fetal position until I stopped crying and convulsing from exhaustion.

If you don't already have a "safe place," I urge you to find or create one because it will help you in your healing process.  I also recommend you check out the You-Tube video below which features Dr. Esther M. Sternberg where she talks about how important healing spaces are and how they can help trigger the brain's healing process.  Dr. Sternberg is the author of Healing Spaces:  The Science of Place and Well-Being.  She has done extensive research on brain–immune interactions and the effects of the brain’s stress response on health. She is Research Director of the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona, Tucson.

What’s the song that makes your spirit soar, and how can you let it transform you?

I believe the nature of music is spiritual.  Certain songs transform your soul.  It’s as if the music and lyrics gently massage your broken heart and spirit leaving you feeling like you can do almost anything.

Looking back, the songs that pulled me through turbulent times ended up being theme songs for what I wanted my life to be like.  They helped me pick myself up, take action, and focus on a brighter future.  Music helped me hold onto my faith in God which saved my life.

In November 2004, the darkness crept into my life again.  The only friend I had nearby, who was married and like a brother to me, made a pass at me knowing that I was a survivor of childhood sexual violence.  Suicidal thoughts started creeping in again.  I was living at the YMCA in Chicago’s Gold Coast in a room the size of a large walk-in closet and working as a security guard in a River North condo building where a resident was trying to get me fired for doing my job.

My life was miserable, but by the grace of God, I persevered.  The darkness overcame me many times back then, but I kept holding on to my faith in God and I wouldn’t let go.  I couldn’t afford an iPod or an Internet connection, so I listened to the radio a lot.  In 2005, Kelly Clarkson’s song “Breakaway” was still popular and became my theme song.  Whenever I heard “Breakaway,” it catapulted me over the rainbow.

Today, I am a happy and peaceful person.  Every sexual violence survivor deserves to live a happy and peaceful life.  You might not feel like it, but you are in control of your life.  You and God, Nature, or whatever you call your higher power.   Together you can do anything.

What’s the song that makes your spirit soar and how can you let it transform you?

Destiny

Here's a rap song, Destiny, that started coming to me while I was putting away groceries one afternoon on February 22, 2009 around 7:30 p.m.  I remember it was same week that we recorded When Life Lets You Down,Get Up!  However, I haven't recorded this one yet.  Words for the missing stanza, the second one from the end, finally came to me September 25, 2009 while I rode the bus home.  I hope you find it inspiring.

Destiny

Destiny, divinity

tell me what you mean to me

closed eyes lead to infinity

my endless possibilites

locked up deep inside of me.

 

Help me end this suffering

Lead me far away from me

Illusions I can't bear to see

Help me find the real me

Buried deep:  divinity.

 

Deny, deny or why do I

Believe I am my body or someone else’s word?

I see dead people have you heard?

Creeping, crawling, wailing, yawning,

pretending to be everything to

everyone, but they can't see they're dead.

 

Smothering their souls inside

They run away and try to hide,

so they won't have to feel the pain.

A candle running from a flame

Afraid they’ll melt and slip away

They live their lives not ever growing

and end up living: but never knowing

about a life pursuing dreams.

How sad and how depressing

They’ll never know what they are missing.

Destiny, divinity

Help me, please, be true to me

Cuz when I am, I’m truly free

I AM TRUE DIVINITY

I am one with God:  you see.

And then, he co-creates with me.

Destiny, divinity

tell me what you mean to me

closed eyes lead to infinity

my endless possibilites

locked up deep inside of me.

 

A Litany for Sexual Assault Survivors

*Jesus sets me free.

He sets me free from the sorrow.
He sets me free from the pain.
He sets me free from the feelings I never want to feel again.

He sets me free from the numbness.
He sets me free from the shame that isn’t mine.
He sets me free from the guilt belonging to a criminal / criminals     
     who committed a horrible crime.
He sets me free from an ignorant society blaming victims all the time.

He sets me free from the earthly powers that be.
His right hand reaches out, consoles, and guides me.
He sets me free and my spirit soars beyond my body, space and time.
He sets me free making me His and Him mine.

*Jesus sets me free.

*Please use your own name for your higher power here.

It Won’t Always Be Like This and Self-Care Is Key

I remember asking my therapist when triggers will stop knocking me off my feet.  A survivor herself, she said that over time the lows won’t be as dramatic as they are now, and she was right.  It does get better as long as you’re persistent about self-care.  Without therapy, working on my self-esteem, and prayer, I wouldn’t be guilt-free today.

In my last blog, I mentioned what I do to control flashbacks and gave you some suggestions.  Here I want to talk about the importance of self-care which focuses on changing the negative self-talk in your head to positive affirmations.  Remember, rapists are bullies who terrorize their victims physically and psychologically.  You need to keep their lies from becoming your truths.  If that's already happened, you should work with your therapist to deprogram yourself like I did.

Be vigilant about conquering the lies of the criminal(s) who violated you and brainwashed you into believing everything that happened was your fault when it was ALL their fault.

Remember that criminals are

Cowards
Repulsively
Inhumane
Muttering
Insensitive
Nasty
Asinine
Lying
$#i+!

Please ask your therapist for their recommendations.  Here are mine.  Try keeping a list of five “I am…” daily affirmations where you can see them every day and work on memorizing them.  For example, I am smart.  I am talented.  I am beautiful inside and out.  I am a gift from God to the world.  I am here for a reason.

Then, I suggest writing another list of at least five positive self-talk sentences to replace your worst negative self-talk.  After negative sentences, say, “That’s wrong!”  Then, read your positive ones.  Be sure to read them often every day.  Below are some examples.

1.        It’s all my fault.  That’s wrong!  All of the blame belongs to the criminal(s) who assaulted me.

2.        I’m a horrible person.  That’s wrong!  I am a beautiful person who experienced a horrible crime.

3.        I don’t deserve a better life.  That’s wrong!  I deserve to live a life that surpasses all my hopes and dreams.

4.        I’ll never amount to anything.  That’s wrong!  I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me.  (Phil 4:13)

5.        I’ll never be happy.  That’s wrong!  I will make myself happy by enjoying life more.

Consider reading these in front of a mirror whenever possible or carrying them with you.

Remember, you are loved.  You are precious.  You are remarkable, and you’re still here for a reason.  Belong to the truth.