Be Gentle with Yourself

Recently, I realized that I was so stressed out, I was becoming depressed.  I needed to nap an hour every day at the same time.  I thought it was just my body’s way of resting up, so I could continue working into the night. It became habitual, so I didn’t think anything of it.  After crying spurts over the weekend about missing my mother who’s been deceased for almost 20 years, I realized that over the past few months I neglected my mental health.  Of course, depression was starting to set in and I was stressed out.

Like I mentioned in an earlier blog post, this time of the year is not my favorite since my birthday and hers are in late April followed by Mother’s Day.  What I just realized this year is that I had been ignoring this time of year instead of celebrating it in a positive light.  Why not celebrate Mother’s Day a different way by writing her letters about all of the good things that have been happening in my life?  I like that.  I just wish I would have thought of it sooner, and I wish I would have been gentle with myself instead of stressing myself out.  How can you transform an unpleasant time of the year into a better one?

Tears of Sorrow, Tears of Joy

My mother’s been gone for almost 20 years, and I miss her every day especially this time of year.  With my birthday and hers last month followed by Mother’s Day, my heart desperately aches for her hugs, sweet smiles, and infectious laughter.  I’ve been busy working on launching my book, and I just realized that I forgot to make time just to sit, reflect, and let the tears flow where they may.

I remember when I repressed everything about my father raping me as a child, and how I didn’t want to feel anything because I thought I would never stop crying and go insane.  On the outside I was laughing and joyful, but on the inside horrible flashbacks tortured me non-stop.  

Like I mentioned in my blog about the importance of having a “safe place,” I thought my mother was my safe place since my father wouldn’t touch me when she was around.  Now I realize that God has always been my safe place, and my mother was the instrument through which I experienced His love.  Thank you, Lord, for turning my tears of sorrow into tears of joy.  And, thanks mom, for being totally open to the spirit of God and giving me the priceless gift of faith that saved my life.  Happy Mother’s Day, mom, and Happy Mother's Day to all mothers everywhere!  Without you the world would have imploded by now.

Lights in the Darkness

A friend just sent me a photo of his latest collage where I observed the way he photographed the interior night lights at a public building in downtown Chicago.  They have a star-like quality about them which I think is really cool.  I’ve always loved the “light in the darkness” metaphor because as a rape survivor I have been overwhelmed by the darkness many times, and I know how important that light has been to me.

What’s the light?  Hope, love, compassion and anything else I need at that moment in time.  Sometimes it’s hard to articulate, but the heart and soul know better than our heads do because they seek the real world that lies in our true essence:  our infinite, spirit.

How have I held onto the light?  Sometimes it meant and still means going out for a walk to distract myself or just hanging out with trusted family or friends.  The two most important things for me in my healing journey have been prayer and therapy.  Prayer is a powerful force that should never be underestimated.  Holding onto my faith in God and constantly asking God for strength has saved me many times from slipping into the darkness for good.  Combined with prayer, therapy saved my life.  Without therapy, I would still have a foot in the darkness and would never have been able to follow my healing path.

What’s your light and how do you hold onto it?  If you're not sure or don't know, I suggest following the advice found in Matthew 7:7 – 7:8, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Happy to be Crying

Today, soaking up the warmth of the sun and slowly walking through gentle breezes with eyes closed, I smiled as I remembered an Easter poem I wrote to my nephew and his wife.  It was a short and sweet one which made my smile grow wider because it conveyed exactly what I wanted it to say 

I miss watching you both and seeing the love,

Sparkling like shooting stars far above

Immersed in each word, action, and breath,

What a beautiful life in your love and there’s more to come yet!

A melancholy heart soon replaced my bright smile as I remembered Michael from high school.  We danced, talked and laughed together non-stop, and I wondered if it wasn’t for my father raping me, that maybe, just maybe, I would have gone out with him.  Then, maybe, just maybe, I might have fallen in love with him and realized that I never had anything in common with the boy I liked in high school which never worked out and maybe that’s why I liked him.  Then maybe, just maybe, I’d be getting poems like the one I just wrote.  

Another smile emerged as I remembered my best friend from high school, Orlando, a sweet, soft-spoken boy.   He became the brother I wish mine had been, but my father soon brought that all to an end.  Back in the day when there were only landlines, my father traumatized me when he answered the phone and heard Orlando’s voice ask for me.  He swore up and down at the top of his voice in English and Spanish.  Mortified, I could barely speak to Orlando after that because I was so embarrassed.  He ruined my childhood, and he ruined my high school years beyond what I ever imagined. 

 

I wouldn’t say I had a good cry, but I cried a lot.  My lungs and my entire body was so exhausted, I could barely get up and walk around.  It was the kind of crying that made you feel like someone just beat you up which he did emotionally.

I’m worn out, but I’m glad I cried because that means I’m human.  My emotions aren't numb anymore, and I’m in control now.  I’m still the optimistic, peaceful and happy person I’ve always been, so in the end I win.

What about love?  I’m praying every day for it, and I know like everything else God will provide.  Meanwhile, you’ll find me dancing and singing Happy along with Pharrell Williams.  I hope you’ll join me.

How Centering Prayer Helps Me Stay Grounded in the Present Moment

Like I mentioned in an earlier blog about controlling flashbacks, it’s critical for survivors to stay grounded in the present moment.  When I start thinking about the abuse I suffered in the past, I always remind myself that I am safe and in control, so the flashbacks don’t start to control me.  Focusing on taking deep breaths also helps.

Centering Prayer helps me stay grounded in the present moment and develop a deeper relationship with God.  I’ve been practicing it for more than 20 years.  Like any relationship, communication is important which also means learning how to be a better listener.  I am far from perfect about this although I’ve definitely improved over the years. 

You don’t move around like yoga.  You pray either sitting on the floor or in a chair, and you remain sitting wherever you are and focus on your meditation.  Before you start, you need to choose a sacred word.  Your sacred word is the symbol of your intention to allow God’s presence and action in your soul.  It can be love, peace, or your own name for God.  I love the fact that anyone from any faith can practice it!

Once you have your sacred word and you’re seated comfortably, close your eyes and take a few deep breathes to help you relax.  Imagine something like you’re inhaling God’s powerful peace and love.  And, exhaling all the tension and worries in your mind, body and soul.  Visualize God’s powerful, peace and love flowing into your body.  First through your mind and head, down to all your limbs, and then penetrating your soul melting away your anxieties overpowered by God’s awesome peace and love.

When you’re ready, silently introduce your sacred word, be with God, and just listen.  When you become aware of your thoughts, gently return to the sacred word.  Don’t be discouraged.  Be gentle with yourself.  Think of it as if you’re meeting God in a noisy coffee shop like Starbuck’s.  You’re next to a loud table.  There’s nowhere to move, so you’re trying to focus on what he’s telling you.

It’s important not to get upset about all the distractions.  Don’t worry about your thoughts.  You just let them come and go like noisy distractions in Starbuck’s you ignore, and remain focused on your sacred word and your intention and listen.  Then, at the end of your prayer remain in silence with your eyes closed for a couple of minutes.  It’s awkward at first, but you get used to it.

In case you’re interested in finding out more about Centering Prayer, here’s the website:  http://centeringprayer.com/.  What I love about Centering Prayer is that it emphasizes prayer as your personal relationship with God!