Tears of Sorrow, Tears of Joy

My mother’s been gone for almost 20 years, and I miss her every day especially this time of year.  With my birthday and hers last month followed by Mother’s Day, my heart desperately aches for her hugs, sweet smiles, and infectious laughter.  I’ve been busy working on launching my book, and I just realized that I forgot to make time just to sit, reflect, and let the tears flow where they may.

I remember when I repressed everything about my father raping me as a child, and how I didn’t want to feel anything because I thought I would never stop crying and go insane.  On the outside I was laughing and joyful, but on the inside horrible flashbacks tortured me non-stop.  

Like I mentioned in my blog about the importance of having a “safe place,” I thought my mother was my safe place since my father wouldn’t touch me when she was around.  Now I realize that God has always been my safe place, and my mother was the instrument through which I experienced His love.  Thank you, Lord, for turning my tears of sorrow into tears of joy.  And, thanks mom, for being totally open to the spirit of God and giving me the priceless gift of faith that saved my life.  Happy Mother’s Day, mom, and Happy Mother's Day to all mothers everywhere!  Without you the world would have imploded by now.

Lights in the Darkness

A friend just sent me a photo of his latest collage where I observed the way he photographed the interior night lights at a public building in downtown Chicago.  They have a star-like quality about them which I think is really cool.  I’ve always loved the “light in the darkness” metaphor because as a rape survivor I have been overwhelmed by the darkness many times, and I know how important that light has been to me.

What’s the light?  Hope, love, compassion and anything else I need at that moment in time.  Sometimes it’s hard to articulate, but the heart and soul know better than our heads do because they seek the real world that lies in our true essence:  our infinite, spirit.

How have I held onto the light?  Sometimes it meant and still means going out for a walk to distract myself or just hanging out with trusted family or friends.  The two most important things for me in my healing journey have been prayer and therapy.  Prayer is a powerful force that should never be underestimated.  Holding onto my faith in God and constantly asking God for strength has saved me many times from slipping into the darkness for good.  Combined with prayer, therapy saved my life.  Without therapy, I would still have a foot in the darkness and would never have been able to follow my healing path.

What’s your light and how do you hold onto it?  If you're not sure or don't know, I suggest following the advice found in Matthew 7:7 – 7:8, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Happy to be Crying

Today, soaking up the warmth of the sun and slowly walking through gentle breezes with eyes closed, I smiled as I remembered an Easter poem I wrote to my nephew and his wife.  It was a short and sweet one which made my smile grow wider because it conveyed exactly what I wanted it to say 

I miss watching you both and seeing the love,

Sparkling like shooting stars far above

Immersed in each word, action, and breath,

What a beautiful life in your love and there’s more to come yet!

A melancholy heart soon replaced my bright smile as I remembered Michael from high school.  We danced, talked and laughed together non-stop, and I wondered if it wasn’t for my father raping me, that maybe, just maybe, I would have gone out with him.  Then, maybe, just maybe, I might have fallen in love with him and realized that I never had anything in common with the boy I liked in high school which never worked out and maybe that’s why I liked him.  Then maybe, just maybe, I’d be getting poems like the one I just wrote.  

Another smile emerged as I remembered my best friend from high school, Orlando, a sweet, soft-spoken boy.   He became the brother I wish mine had been, but my father soon brought that all to an end.  Back in the day when there were only landlines, my father traumatized me when he answered the phone and heard Orlando’s voice ask for me.  He swore up and down at the top of his voice in English and Spanish.  Mortified, I could barely speak to Orlando after that because I was so embarrassed.  He ruined my childhood, and he ruined my high school years beyond what I ever imagined. 

 

I wouldn’t say I had a good cry, but I cried a lot.  My lungs and my entire body was so exhausted, I could barely get up and walk around.  It was the kind of crying that made you feel like someone just beat you up which he did emotionally.

I’m worn out, but I’m glad I cried because that means I’m human.  My emotions aren't numb anymore, and I’m in control now.  I’m still the optimistic, peaceful and happy person I’ve always been, so in the end I win.

What about love?  I’m praying every day for it, and I know like everything else God will provide.  Meanwhile, you’ll find me dancing and singing Happy along with Pharrell Williams.  I hope you’ll join me.

How Centering Prayer Helps Me Stay Grounded in the Present Moment

Like I mentioned in an earlier blog about controlling flashbacks, it’s critical for survivors to stay grounded in the present moment.  When I start thinking about the abuse I suffered in the past, I always remind myself that I am safe and in control, so the flashbacks don’t start to control me.  Focusing on taking deep breaths also helps.

Centering Prayer helps me stay grounded in the present moment and develop a deeper relationship with God.  I’ve been practicing it for more than 20 years.  Like any relationship, communication is important which also means learning how to be a better listener.  I am far from perfect about this although I’ve definitely improved over the years. 

You don’t move around like yoga.  You pray either sitting on the floor or in a chair, and you remain sitting wherever you are and focus on your meditation.  Before you start, you need to choose a sacred word.  Your sacred word is the symbol of your intention to allow God’s presence and action in your soul.  It can be love, peace, or your own name for God.  I love the fact that anyone from any faith can practice it!

Once you have your sacred word and you’re seated comfortably, close your eyes and take a few deep breathes to help you relax.  Imagine something like you’re inhaling God’s powerful peace and love.  And, exhaling all the tension and worries in your mind, body and soul.  Visualize God’s powerful, peace and love flowing into your body.  First through your mind and head, down to all your limbs, and then penetrating your soul melting away your anxieties overpowered by God’s awesome peace and love.

When you’re ready, silently introduce your sacred word, be with God, and just listen.  When you become aware of your thoughts, gently return to the sacred word.  Don’t be discouraged.  Be gentle with yourself.  Think of it as if you’re meeting God in a noisy coffee shop like Starbuck’s.  You’re next to a loud table.  There’s nowhere to move, so you’re trying to focus on what he’s telling you.

It’s important not to get upset about all the distractions.  Don’t worry about your thoughts.  You just let them come and go like noisy distractions in Starbuck’s you ignore, and remain focused on your sacred word and your intention and listen.  Then, at the end of your prayer remain in silence with your eyes closed for a couple of minutes.  It’s awkward at first, but you get used to it.

In case you’re interested in finding out more about Centering Prayer, here’s the website:  http://centeringprayer.com/.  What I love about Centering Prayer is that it emphasizes prayer as your personal relationship with God!  

Where's Your Safe Place?

Years ago, when I went to group therapy at the YWCA, the two therapists who conducted the session told us that it was important for them to create a safe place for us.  They wanted all of us to feel that we could be free to talk about our experiences without being judged or feel uncomfortable in any way.  That's why they wanted to set some ground rules.  Actually, they ended up asking us a series of questions, so we could set the ground rules.  For example, they wanted us to decide what we should do if we run into each other outside of the YWCA like at the store, movies, etc.  We decided that we would not speak to each other until after all of the group therapy sessions were over because we all needed to focus on our own healing.

We always had a good group who respected and supported each other.  We would never ask each other questions about the assaults we experienced.  That was one of the rules and something I don't think we would have ever done anyway.  When it was our turn, we would briefly mention our similar feelings and struggles which reassured someone who just shared their feelings that they're normal and not crazy or weird.  Then we would go onto to share our own feelings and obstacles we were facing.

The whole idea about creating a "safe place" seemed a little weird at the time, but after a while it all made sense.  Everyone whether you're a survivor of sexual violence or not needs somewhere you can just be yourself.  However, survivors need a lot of Tender Loving Care (TLC) when it comes to creating a "safe place."  When society, the media, and even some of those we love and trust blame us instead of the criminal who assaulted us, we need and deserve a "safe place" to be ourselves and say whatever we feel.

Growing up, my "safe place" was beside my mother because whenever I was with her, my father would never touch me.  She died when I was 35, and I was devastated.  My "safe place" and my mother were both gone.  I didn't realize until years later why her death left me depressed for an entire year which almost led me to start drinking excessively.  I also didn't tell any family members about my father raping me until years later.  While I made it through the wake with my father present, when my sister called me about an anniversary mass the following year, I started crying and going into convulsions at the thought of seeing him again, so I decided not to go.  My boyfriend at the time, held me for hours as I lay in a fetal position until I stopped crying and convulsing from exhaustion.

If you don't already have a "safe place," I urge you to find or create one because it will help you in your healing process.  I also recommend you check out the You-Tube video below which features Dr. Esther M. Sternberg where she talks about how important healing spaces are and how they can help trigger the brain's healing process.  Dr. Sternberg is the author of Healing Spaces:  The Science of Place and Well-Being.  She has done extensive research on brain–immune interactions and the effects of the brain’s stress response on health. She is Research Director of the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona, Tucson.

What’s the song that makes your spirit soar, and how can you let it transform you?

I believe the nature of music is spiritual.  Certain songs transform your soul.  It’s as if the music and lyrics gently massage your broken heart and spirit leaving you feeling like you can do almost anything.

Looking back, the songs that pulled me through turbulent times ended up being theme songs for what I wanted my life to be like.  They helped me pick myself up, take action, and focus on a brighter future.  Music helped me hold onto my faith in God which saved my life.

In November 2004, the darkness crept into my life again.  The only friend I had nearby, who was married and like a brother to me, made a pass at me knowing that I was a survivor of childhood sexual violence.  Suicidal thoughts started creeping in again.  I was living at the YMCA in Chicago’s Gold Coast in a room the size of a large walk-in closet and working as a security guard in a River North condo building where a resident was trying to get me fired for doing my job.

My life was miserable, but by the grace of God, I persevered.  The darkness overcame me many times back then, but I kept holding on to my faith in God and I wouldn’t let go.  I couldn’t afford an iPod or an Internet connection, so I listened to the radio a lot.  In 2005, Kelly Clarkson’s song “Breakaway” was still popular and became my theme song.  Whenever I heard “Breakaway,” it catapulted me over the rainbow.

Today, I am a happy and peaceful person.  Every sexual violence survivor deserves to live a happy and peaceful life.  You might not feel like it, but you are in control of your life.  You and God, Nature, or whatever you call your higher power.   Together you can do anything.

What’s the song that makes your spirit soar and how can you let it transform you?