Destiny

Here's a rap song, Destiny, that started coming to me while I was putting away groceries one afternoon on February 22, 2009 around 7:30 p.m.  I remember it was same week that we recorded When Life Lets You Down,Get Up!  However, I haven't recorded this one yet.  Words for the missing stanza, the second one from the end, finally came to me September 25, 2009 while I rode the bus home.  I hope you find it inspiring.

Destiny

Destiny, divinity

tell me what you mean to me

closed eyes lead to infinity

my endless possibilites

locked up deep inside of me.

 

Help me end this suffering

Lead me far away from me

Illusions I can't bear to see

Help me find the real me

Buried deep:  divinity.

 

Deny, deny or why do I

Believe I am my body or someone else’s word?

I see dead people have you heard?

Creeping, crawling, wailing, yawning,

pretending to be everything to

everyone, but they can't see they're dead.

 

Smothering their souls inside

They run away and try to hide,

so they won't have to feel the pain.

A candle running from a flame

Afraid they’ll melt and slip away

They live their lives not ever growing

and end up living: but never knowing

about a life pursuing dreams.

How sad and how depressing

They’ll never know what they are missing.

Destiny, divinity

Help me, please, be true to me

Cuz when I am, I’m truly free

I AM TRUE DIVINITY

I am one with God:  you see.

And then, he co-creates with me.

Destiny, divinity

tell me what you mean to me

closed eyes lead to infinity

my endless possibilites

locked up deep inside of me.

 

A Litany for Sexual Assault Survivors

*Jesus sets me free.

He sets me free from the sorrow.
He sets me free from the pain.
He sets me free from the feelings I never want to feel again.

He sets me free from the numbness.
He sets me free from the shame that isn’t mine.
He sets me free from the guilt belonging to a criminal / criminals     
     who committed a horrible crime.
He sets me free from an ignorant society blaming victims all the time.

He sets me free from the earthly powers that be.
His right hand reaches out, consoles, and guides me.
He sets me free and my spirit soars beyond my body, space and time.
He sets me free making me His and Him mine.

*Jesus sets me free.

*Please use your own name for your higher power here.

It Won’t Always Be Like This and Self-Care Is Key

I remember asking my therapist when triggers will stop knocking me off my feet.  A survivor herself, she said that over time the lows won’t be as dramatic as they are now, and she was right.  It does get better as long as you’re persistent about self-care.  Without therapy, working on my self-esteem, and prayer, I wouldn’t be guilt-free today.

In my last blog, I mentioned what I do to control flashbacks and gave you some suggestions.  Here I want to talk about the importance of self-care which focuses on changing the negative self-talk in your head to positive affirmations.  Remember, rapists are bullies who terrorize their victims physically and psychologically.  You need to keep their lies from becoming your truths.  If that's already happened, you should work with your therapist to deprogram yourself like I did.

Be vigilant about conquering the lies of the criminal(s) who violated you and brainwashed you into believing everything that happened was your fault when it was ALL their fault.

Remember that criminals are

Cowards
Repulsively
Inhumane
Muttering
Insensitive
Nasty
Asinine
Lying
$#i+!

Please ask your therapist for their recommendations.  Here are mine.  Try keeping a list of five “I am…” daily affirmations where you can see them every day and work on memorizing them.  For example, I am smart.  I am talented.  I am beautiful inside and out.  I am a gift from God to the world.  I am here for a reason.

Then, I suggest writing another list of at least five positive self-talk sentences to replace your worst negative self-talk.  After negative sentences, say, “That’s wrong!”  Then, read your positive ones.  Be sure to read them often every day.  Below are some examples.

1.        It’s all my fault.  That’s wrong!  All of the blame belongs to the criminal(s) who assaulted me.

2.        I’m a horrible person.  That’s wrong!  I am a beautiful person who experienced a horrible crime.

3.        I don’t deserve a better life.  That’s wrong!  I deserve to live a life that surpasses all my hopes and dreams.

4.        I’ll never amount to anything.  That’s wrong!  I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me.  (Phil 4:13)

5.        I’ll never be happy.  That’s wrong!  I will make myself happy by enjoying life more.

Consider reading these in front of a mirror whenever possible or carrying them with you.

Remember, you are loved.  You are precious.  You are remarkable, and you’re still here for a reason.  Belong to the truth.  

Controlling Flashbacks

Most people are unaware that like war veterans, many rape and sexual assault survivors suffer from PTSD.  We experience flashbacks, too.  They can be anything that reminds us about the assaults.  As I mentioned before, although I can’t remember most of my childhood, I remember enough to know my father did horrible things to me that no child should ever endure.

Last fall, a flashback caught me off guard.  Don’t they all?  After shopping at a mall in Chicago, I walked across the street near a park where I remembered we used to go as kids.  Nostalgic, warm feelings came over me.  Yet, when I tried recalling a single, happy memory, I couldn’t.  They were all buried underneath the horrific traumas I experienced.  I couldn’t remember them no matter how hard I tried, so I cried like a baby.

It took a while, but I calmed myself down.  While it’s important to release my emotions, fears, and anxieties, it’s critical I ground myself in the present moment.  I’ll usually start by taking long, deep breaths and repeat something like "Jesus, I trust in you."  When experiencing overwhelming feelings or flashbacks, I suggest you try taking deep breaths and keep inhaling for a count of three and exhaling for a count of three while seeing yourself in a safe and peaceful place.  Remember, you’re in control of your surroundings now, and you can take control of your flashback.  It’s not easy, but it’s worse if you don’t even try.  Believe me. 

Sometimes it feels like I’m playing tug-o-war with the heavyweight champion of the world.  Then, I remember I have the most powerful weapon to go with my tenacity:  prayer.  Like biblical King David, before I know it, my adversary is history.

Recovering from it takes a lot of TLC, but that’s okay.  I won, and you can, too.  That’s what matters, and you’ll get better at it over time.

Whenever flashbacks persist, tell yourself they are like scary movies.  They are not real and do not have any control over you.  Remind yourself that you are in control of your body and surroundings.  Then, focus on funny and happy thoughts helping you return to the present and stay there.

Please ask your therapist for their recommendations.  Here are mine.  Try writing about how you felt after doing this and taking back your control and consider sharing this with your therapist or someone else you trust.

Remember, you are loved.  You are precious.  You are remarkable, and you’re still here for a reason.  Belong to the truth.

My Imagination Prayer

Every morning I pray for crime victims who have lost their lives to child sexual violence, sexual assault, domestic violence, and all other violent crimes.  Then, I pray for survivors, loved ones, and all who serve them wholeheartedly like therapists, clergy, and nonprofit volunteers.  I ask God to bless them with justice, peace, and continued healing, so their legacy and their lives may far surpass their hopes and dreams.

I pray God shatters their darkness and melts away their uncontrollable and horrifying thoughts and emotions about the criminal assault they suffered as well as the exploding flashbacks all constantly swirling around inside them and making them repeatedly re-live every tortuous moment as if it's happening again.  I ask Him to grant them rest for their weary bodies turned into war zones where they struggle to survive moment by moment.

I pray for God to melt away their misery along with their worldly fears, anxieties, and everything else that keeps them from Him.  I ask God to melt it all away and draw it to the center of the earth where it disintegrates into nothingness.  Then, I pray He melts their hearts with His sweet, gentle, overflowing love.  The kind of love that makes you cry after a long embrace from a dear loved one. 

I pray they finally hear Him softly whisper, “I love you.  You are mine.  I am here for you until the end of time.”  I imagine their hearts melt and tears well up as they also hear, “All you have to do is call out or speak to me in the silence of your heart.  And, when you don’t even have the strength to do that, just ache for me.  Close your eyes, look for me, and you will find me.  For I live inside you waiting for you to let me love you.  Let me love you.  Let me love you.  Let me love you.”

Then, I imagine them opening their hearts and their eyes, and seeing God’s boundless world of all possibilities even if it’s pitch black outside and all around them.  Smiling and filled with hope, I imagine they increase in faith, hope, and love in themselves, in their future, and in God himself.  I pray and imagine they remember this day and continue to grow in faith, hope, and love.  Then, one day soon, they realize they have surpassed their hopes and dreams, so it’s time to search for more and maybe reach out and support loved ones struggling with their own healing journey.